Throughout my years different things have been my focus and primary activity. It has been school, it has been yoga, it has been circus arts and theatre, it has been being a friend and having fun with friends. Now, I am solidly in a place where my primary activity is work. I have a career I believe in, an extraordinary job, and a measure of financial security. This is wonderful. What is sad, however, is that there are only so many hours in a day and so much energy that I have aside from work. By the unrelenting mathematics of it all that means other things get less time and energy and naturally suffer. The saddest part of it is how little I have been able to devote myself to friendships. Add in the ferocious drive to isolation brought on by this cursed fucking pandemic and I have neglected many a friendship. I can only hope that my bonds with people are resilient and that the love is understood. I simply cannot water my plants and talk to them every day.
People are complicated and relationships are complicated. I just wish everyone had enough of everything they needed. I wish everyone was 100% honest with everyone else all the time and that everyone was correspondingly emotionally capable of handling that honesty gracefully. Without the latter we will never have the former. Our culture is sick. And that sick culture creates a sick economy which in turn creates a sick culture. Please be as gentle with each other as you can be without being dishonest to each other. Please be kinder than you are nice. Please be forgiving. It's a depressing world out there right now and we can ill afford to tear each other apart, be it in politics or our personal lives.
I've been teaching the kids about human rights these last few weeks. These rights operate not only on a political level but also in the personal. Some of these rights are absolute. One may never kill, enslave, or torture another. Other rights have a circumstantial element when they threaten to conflict with a more core principle. We have freedom of movement, but we don't have the freedom to move when we would spread a deadly, contagious disease. We have a right to privacy, but most of us would agree that going around talking about an intention to shoot people is good cause for a warrant to search your home for guns and murder plans. We have a right to own property, but I dare say we don't have a right to own so much property that other people don't have enough for food and shelter, enough to live decently on.
The macro and the micro fall in on each other, sometimes more obviously than others. And dare I ask what is the state of heaven when what is below is as what is above? Nature is cruel and beautiful. Fur is soft and fangs are sharp. So strange is this world.
People are complicated and relationships are complicated. I just wish everyone had enough of everything they needed. I wish everyone was 100% honest with everyone else all the time and that everyone was correspondingly emotionally capable of handling that honesty gracefully. Without the latter we will never have the former. Our culture is sick. And that sick culture creates a sick economy which in turn creates a sick culture. Please be as gentle with each other as you can be without being dishonest to each other. Please be kinder than you are nice. Please be forgiving. It's a depressing world out there right now and we can ill afford to tear each other apart, be it in politics or our personal lives.
I've been teaching the kids about human rights these last few weeks. These rights operate not only on a political level but also in the personal. Some of these rights are absolute. One may never kill, enslave, or torture another. Other rights have a circumstantial element when they threaten to conflict with a more core principle. We have freedom of movement, but we don't have the freedom to move when we would spread a deadly, contagious disease. We have a right to privacy, but most of us would agree that going around talking about an intention to shoot people is good cause for a warrant to search your home for guns and murder plans. We have a right to own property, but I dare say we don't have a right to own so much property that other people don't have enough for food and shelter, enough to live decently on.
The macro and the micro fall in on each other, sometimes more obviously than others. And dare I ask what is the state of heaven when what is below is as what is above? Nature is cruel and beautiful. Fur is soft and fangs are sharp. So strange is this world.
Three weeks later my knee is about 75% better. It's still fragile and I have to be careful with it, but I can do most non-athletic things now. The whole experience has been... thought provoking. It makes me yet more appreciative of my normal, mostly uninjured state. Even during year 2 of my 2 year (mostly) recovery from my last injury, for 90% of the things I do the injury was a non-issue. Though it totally stopped me from doing other things I really enjoy, like full lotus pose and putting my feet behind my head, these are unusual things that most folks never do and that I have no need to do in daily life. Spending a week unable to walk properly, another week still avoiding stairs, and now a third week still improving but with some pain and the regular pain-based reminder that I need to be very careful or I could easily re-injure the knee has been interesting. Perhaps the thing I like least is the insecurity. The possibility of making things worse. The pain is really minor. And at this point three weeks on, there aren't too many things short of running and much of my yoga practice that I can't do. But, there is the ever-present worry that I could do something, possibly something really minor, innocent, and random to set it back to where I started. The original injury itself came from doing something that, though it makes sense how it happened, seemed completely innocuous. It's like when I passed 43 or so I started rolling on the random injury table every day to see if some random nonsense will mess me up. The chances are low, but they happen. I keep trying to exercise in ways that will make me more injury resistant, but despite my patient and mindful workouts, there seems no escape from entropy. Damn aging. Ah, well.
When the rain comes down like this, a rain that makes the air look hazy, a rain that would soak you in just a few moments of standing absorbed in it, it often makes me think of New Orleans. It's a rain that, to me, speaks of adventure. I once stood out on some street in the French Quarter some time in the Summer of 1995 and chose to get drenched in it. It was a New Orleans hot day and the rain was cooling to a warm swimming pool temperature, the kind of temperature you can just comfortably lounge in forever without getting cold and it was so nice to cool down to that temperature. I didn't think, as I stood there with my umbrella closed in my hand body and clothing soaking up the rain in the middle of the street, about the paper in my pocket on which I had written names and phone numbers and crucial information for my travels. Ink bled silently as I savoured the rain. I would spend the rest of the trip occasionally struggling to figure out what was written on some portions of that paper. For a while this evening it was that kind of rain and the sky was not dark yet but getting there with clouds high over the trees still picking up gold and pink bits of the fading light. Awash in that particular feeling, calmly quietly pulsing with life I put on the first of Dead Can Dance albums, which if you know it, is delightfully intense in a fully immersive way. It is music, like the rain, that sings of adventure. I have had countless adventures, certainly more than I can count easily with my oft hazy memory. My memory is a mischievous thing, like a colourful bird in the forest, sometimes fleeting sometimes vividly in view, and often unpredictable.
Returned home from a sacred experience of a mundane errand, I greeted the quarter sized spider who lives in a web perfectly situated beneath the wall light by the door, took off my wet and muddy shoes, greeted my lovely wife, and wandered into the kitchen where with thoughts on New Orleans I poured myself the last half cup of day and a half old coffee into the whimsical coffee cup I bought for myself for my 40th birthday in Iceland. I scooped some ice cream, or rather busied myself with putting away dishes so the ice cream in the container would have melted in the warm air just enough to easily scoop, and then retired to my office. There on my gargantuan solid wood roll top desk which I acquired on a bit of an adventure north of New Orleans back in 2010 sits a self healing cutting mat which I bought either in Boston while in the summer architecture program at the Harvard School of Design or perhaps I bought it in grad school in LA. On this mat I will cast a spell. It's a simple spell. Mundane in its purpose. Mundane enough to share on the internet. (Some people believe that most or all magic should be done somewhat in secret, but the world is so full of magic that I think it better that simple workings such as these be considered more commonplace.) Each day I do a spell to protect my knee and help it heal. Being injured as I am now really irritates me. I don't like to have my actions in the world impeded, especially by my own special temporary physical inability to do them. I figured out this magic when I had Covid and found it potent. And so, now with this injury I ask my body which is part of the all-being to respond to my will and knit itself back together as quickly as metaphysically possible in a way that doesn't draw energy away from anyone-anything else that needs it. So it's just me and my primal energy battery and the ambient sewing machine of the world working together to let me walk like normal and then run and then do all the crazy shit I love to do as soon as possible.
With all these thoughts of adventure and the places I've been and the weather I've experienced and the things that I've done and a sea of memories I am reminded just how much of my life I have spent like this--injured. Rather a lot, by some standards perhaps. My knees in particular. Sometimes a shoulder. Occasionally an ankle. Once an elbow, once a big toe. Two hernia surgeries. Adolescent sports seasons missed, performances missed, gigs turned down, trees not climbed, gym sessions that never happened, roofs not cleaned, friends not picked up in the air, and simple walkabouts not taken. All in all something like 3 years of my life give or take. I have no idea how unusual or normal that is. I've never broken a bone and I consider myself very, very lucky with my health as I've seen over the decades other of my young and healthy friends have to deal with all manner of serious condition. I feel very, very fortunate. Anyway all of this occurred to me in a series of moments (shorter than the amount of time it took me to type this) as the rain poured down and I went about the business of locking a door to a basement of a house a few minutes drive away. A house I lived in that is being sold. A house full of memories just like rain and spiders and desks and coffee cups and everything else, that bright bird making a particularly lengthy visit, showing me the colors of its feathers in the fading golden dusk light.
Returned home from a sacred experience of a mundane errand, I greeted the quarter sized spider who lives in a web perfectly situated beneath the wall light by the door, took off my wet and muddy shoes, greeted my lovely wife, and wandered into the kitchen where with thoughts on New Orleans I poured myself the last half cup of day and a half old coffee into the whimsical coffee cup I bought for myself for my 40th birthday in Iceland. I scooped some ice cream, or rather busied myself with putting away dishes so the ice cream in the container would have melted in the warm air just enough to easily scoop, and then retired to my office. There on my gargantuan solid wood roll top desk which I acquired on a bit of an adventure north of New Orleans back in 2010 sits a self healing cutting mat which I bought either in Boston while in the summer architecture program at the Harvard School of Design or perhaps I bought it in grad school in LA. On this mat I will cast a spell. It's a simple spell. Mundane in its purpose. Mundane enough to share on the internet. (Some people believe that most or all magic should be done somewhat in secret, but the world is so full of magic that I think it better that simple workings such as these be considered more commonplace.) Each day I do a spell to protect my knee and help it heal. Being injured as I am now really irritates me. I don't like to have my actions in the world impeded, especially by my own special temporary physical inability to do them. I figured out this magic when I had Covid and found it potent. And so, now with this injury I ask my body which is part of the all-being to respond to my will and knit itself back together as quickly as metaphysically possible in a way that doesn't draw energy away from anyone-anything else that needs it. So it's just me and my primal energy battery and the ambient sewing machine of the world working together to let me walk like normal and then run and then do all the crazy shit I love to do as soon as possible.
With all these thoughts of adventure and the places I've been and the weather I've experienced and the things that I've done and a sea of memories I am reminded just how much of my life I have spent like this--injured. Rather a lot, by some standards perhaps. My knees in particular. Sometimes a shoulder. Occasionally an ankle. Once an elbow, once a big toe. Two hernia surgeries. Adolescent sports seasons missed, performances missed, gigs turned down, trees not climbed, gym sessions that never happened, roofs not cleaned, friends not picked up in the air, and simple walkabouts not taken. All in all something like 3 years of my life give or take. I have no idea how unusual or normal that is. I've never broken a bone and I consider myself very, very lucky with my health as I've seen over the decades other of my young and healthy friends have to deal with all manner of serious condition. I feel very, very fortunate. Anyway all of this occurred to me in a series of moments (shorter than the amount of time it took me to type this) as the rain poured down and I went about the business of locking a door to a basement of a house a few minutes drive away. A house I lived in that is being sold. A house full of memories just like rain and spiders and desks and coffee cups and everything else, that bright bird making a particularly lengthy visit, showing me the colors of its feathers in the fading golden dusk light.
- Current Location:Asheville
- Current Music:Dead Can Dance
Let us remember that the United States was built on genocide, slavery, and exploitation of the poor. Caring for each other has never been a primary value, particularly not caring for people who are different than you are. The America that can be "great *again*" is a terrible place. Furthermore, American late stage capitalism is deeply unsustainable. Things are going to change. The question is into what and how.
How people who hadn't exercised in ages ever survived my yoga classes I have no idea. I'm getting back to it slowly to avoid injury. Here's the start and the plan.
Start:
As daily as possible:
Calisthenics
For upper body add 1 more rep until 12 achieved. Then drop reps down to 8 and use weights.
For legs continue to add reps until 20 achieved for leg lifts, squats, and lunges. 50 achieved for calf raises. Then take this to the gym with proper weights again.
Stretching
Asana
Coming back to building the full practice. Starting with 3 Sun Salutations. Adding Panangustasana and Padahastasana next. Then Trikonasana. Then Parivritta Trikonasana. Then a 4th Sun Salutations. Then Parsvakonasana. Then Parivritta Parsvakonasana. Then the Padottanasana series. Then the 5th Sun Salutation. And from there the rest of the Standing Sequence pose by pose. And the Seated Sequence and so on.
Legs up the wall.
LIRP
Evening practice is a forward fold, 10 pushups, and legs up the wall. Adding pushups until 30 a night is achieved. LBRP
Start:
As daily as possible:
- 4 Purifications
- 5 cat/cow and hip rotations in each direction
- Calisthenics
- Asana and/or the 5 Tibetans
Calisthenics
For upper body add 1 more rep until 12 achieved. Then drop reps down to 8 and use weights.
For legs continue to add reps until 20 achieved for leg lifts, squats, and lunges. 50 achieved for calf raises. Then take this to the gym with proper weights again.
- 8 Arm swings forward
- 8 Arm swings back
- 8 Cross arm swings forward
- 8 Cross arm swings back
- 8 side reaches, each side
- 8 twists, each side
- Neck rolls
- 8 leg lifts, each side
- 8 squats
- 8 lunges, each side
- 20 calf raises
- Plank for 5+ breaths
Stretching
- Forward bend and sway
- ADD seated forward fold (paschimattanasana)
- ADD seated, legs spread forward fold (upavishta konasana)
- ADD baddha konasana as soon as my knee is healed
Asana
Coming back to building the full practice. Starting with 3 Sun Salutations. Adding Panangustasana and Padahastasana next. Then Trikonasana. Then Parivritta Trikonasana. Then a 4th Sun Salutations. Then Parsvakonasana. Then Parivritta Parsvakonasana. Then the Padottanasana series. Then the 5th Sun Salutation. And from there the rest of the Standing Sequence pose by pose. And the Seated Sequence and so on.
Legs up the wall.
LIRP
Evening practice is a forward fold, 10 pushups, and legs up the wall. Adding pushups until 30 a night is achieved. LBRP
Last night I had a dream of a raven that was in the water at the edge of the ocean. Swimming. He came out and looked at me, very close to my face. I can still see his face. His head and beak were really large. Clearly raven rather than crow. Then there was a hammerhead shark in the water and people were rushing to get out of the water. And the shark *seemed* dangerous, but never attacked anyone. I think I started in the water but I had gotten out with the raven and was never in the water with the shark. There was more to the dream, but that's all I remember now.
As usual, I've been meaning to write forever. Life is grand. Everything is working out well. My relationship is awesome. I'm in fine health. Work is good. Finances are stable. Family relations are swell. Friends are wonderful. I'm on track with clear goals for the future.
Here I wanted to write about my self-reflection on what I enjoy doing and what I value. Lately I'd rather be doing my full daily practice and going to the gym and spending time with Ash and my close friends than partying. Not that I don't still enjoy partying, hell I was up until 5am at Kelsey's place a couple weeks ago having a grand time, but I enjoy keeping the simple perfection of my day to day more. Now my day to day is hardly bland or boring. I've been doing pranayama about 6 days a week, a full body chake out for the lymphatic system, meditation (2-20 min: geometric visiualization, Fire Element Meditation, body scan, runes, and Hebrew), calisthenics (10 min), yoga (10-75 min), and the 5 Tibetans (10 min). I also really want to get back to some magickal practices and to studying German every day. That's a lot of time (around 14-18 hours a week), but I really love it and consistency is super valuable. I've also been going to the gym about 4 days a week doing a really awesome 4 day split that is actually yeilding results. I've gained about 4-5 pounds in about 3 months making a point of getting enough protein but without eating science food.
In other areas my values have shifted over the years and with conscious personal alchemical work. Compassion is probably my primary core value and though I still strongly value and admire strength and beauty these have become more personal values than universal ones.
Here I wanted to write about my self-reflection on what I enjoy doing and what I value. Lately I'd rather be doing my full daily practice and going to the gym and spending time with Ash and my close friends than partying. Not that I don't still enjoy partying, hell I was up until 5am at Kelsey's place a couple weeks ago having a grand time, but I enjoy keeping the simple perfection of my day to day more. Now my day to day is hardly bland or boring. I've been doing pranayama about 6 days a week, a full body chake out for the lymphatic system, meditation (2-20 min: geometric visiualization, Fire Element Meditation, body scan, runes, and Hebrew), calisthenics (10 min), yoga (10-75 min), and the 5 Tibetans (10 min). I also really want to get back to some magickal practices and to studying German every day. That's a lot of time (around 14-18 hours a week), but I really love it and consistency is super valuable. I've also been going to the gym about 4 days a week doing a really awesome 4 day split that is actually yeilding results. I've gained about 4-5 pounds in about 3 months making a point of getting enough protein but without eating science food.
In other areas my values have shifted over the years and with conscious personal alchemical work. Compassion is probably my primary core value and though I still strongly value and admire strength and beauty these have become more personal values than universal ones.
The people I love, I love forever. And that is not a virtue. It is simple how I work.
I've been asked number of times for the meaning of my tattoo and have kind of stumbled about describing it. So I'm feeling inspired to come up with a way to talk about it and create/record that here:
It is a rendering of the Qabalistic Tree of Life as a flaming lotus flower born on the wings of the glory of material existence. It is a torus loop of as above so below as above. It shows the dawning of the elements within the darkness of the void as a manifestation of the fundamental light of all being translated through beauty. It's minor deviations from the original design that happened in honest minor miscommunications between myself and my fine tattoo artist display that in the material world (the image is realized as a tattoo upon living flesh) imperfections are often beautiful and, coming back to the "as above so below" concept, demonstrate some deeper, not rationally comprehensible manifestion of the mysteries of the Universe.
As part of the larger design including the snake which represents the dark power of our material existences and the primal beauty within, it fundamentally represents the spiritual portion, separated by a small space from the direct reality of matter born aloft on those material wings of green and gold. The keyhole in the head of the snake represents that the material body and the material world is the gateway to spiritual experience and knowledge of the deeper divine. That the lock that we seek to solve is housed within the body and the material world itself and that we should enjoy and embrace this.
It is a rendering of the Qabalistic Tree of Life as a flaming lotus flower born on the wings of the glory of material existence. It is a torus loop of as above so below as above. It shows the dawning of the elements within the darkness of the void as a manifestation of the fundamental light of all being translated through beauty. It's minor deviations from the original design that happened in honest minor miscommunications between myself and my fine tattoo artist display that in the material world (the image is realized as a tattoo upon living flesh) imperfections are often beautiful and, coming back to the "as above so below" concept, demonstrate some deeper, not rationally comprehensible manifestion of the mysteries of the Universe.
As part of the larger design including the snake which represents the dark power of our material existences and the primal beauty within, it fundamentally represents the spiritual portion, separated by a small space from the direct reality of matter born aloft on those material wings of green and gold. The keyhole in the head of the snake represents that the material body and the material world is the gateway to spiritual experience and knowledge of the deeper divine. That the lock that we seek to solve is housed within the body and the material world itself and that we should enjoy and embrace this.
Reading some science articles I realized a fundamental division between science I enjoy and science I don't enjoy. Science I enjoy explores the history of our planet and of space or seeks to explain how physical things work. Science I don't enjoy tends to try and constrain the metaphysical world or tell individual people how to live their lives and what is healthy for them.
The Scientific Method is a fantastic tool but can be too broadly applied in a way that is truly just sloppy science. As an obvious and extreme example, saying that a particular diet is most healthy for all humans does not hold all variables constant. There is no way to do a dietary study that takes into account our remarkably unique individual biologies. Thus a better statement would be that a particularly diet resulted in greater health for a statistically relevant portion of the human population and perhaps you should try it and see if it works for you.
Also, from a rigorous epistemological standpoint there are simply things that science has no business talking about because the scientific method does not apply or because we do not have sufficient technology to detect or measure particular potential phenomena. In these cases, Science should mind its own business just as religion has no business telling us about how to create technology or what our geological or human history is. Certainly a religious book can be looked at a potential source of historical information, but merely one among many and often packed with particular biases. Similarly we can apply the scientific method to exploring religious claims but since we have no consistently acurate technology to detect and measure spiritual phenomena Science is beholden by its own rules to an agnostic position.
The Scientific Method is a fantastic tool but can be too broadly applied in a way that is truly just sloppy science. As an obvious and extreme example, saying that a particular diet is most healthy for all humans does not hold all variables constant. There is no way to do a dietary study that takes into account our remarkably unique individual biologies. Thus a better statement would be that a particularly diet resulted in greater health for a statistically relevant portion of the human population and perhaps you should try it and see if it works for you.
Also, from a rigorous epistemological standpoint there are simply things that science has no business talking about because the scientific method does not apply or because we do not have sufficient technology to detect or measure particular potential phenomena. In these cases, Science should mind its own business just as religion has no business telling us about how to create technology or what our geological or human history is. Certainly a religious book can be looked at a potential source of historical information, but merely one among many and often packed with particular biases. Similarly we can apply the scientific method to exploring religious claims but since we have no consistently acurate technology to detect and measure spiritual phenomena Science is beholden by its own rules to an agnostic position.
If you could have any feature or ability from an animal, what would you want? Why did you pick that one?
My surgery is in 2 days. Wow. It's Wednesday and there is a lot to do.
I am trying something new this time. Numbering the items so I can see how many different things I try to accomplish each day.
- X Morning Practice
- X Breakfast
- X Talk to Duke about Surgery (took about 30 minutes)
- X Shave
- X Royal Peasantry work
- X Teach Yoga at 2:15 pm
- X Lunch
- X Make car service appointment
- Create Folklorika event
- X Make Asheville Vaudeville poster
- X Teach Yoga at 8 pm
- X Dinner
- X Rest
I am trying something new this time. Numbering the items so I can see how many different things I try to accomplish each day.
Right down to business:
Write Alexandra and decline Shenaniganza
Write Aerie and tell her about Shenaniganza and make plans to call
Laundry
Get Heather's Car
Get Phone at 6pm
Gym at 8:00pm
Party at 10pm
Write Alexandra and decline Shenaniganza
Write Aerie and tell her about Shenaniganza and make plans to call
Laundry
Get Heather's Car
Get Phone at 6pm
Gym at 8:00pm
Party at 10pm
I woke up this morning and started coughing blood. Well, not exactly, but close.
First I managed to wake up about ten minutes before the alarm I set and linger in bed trying to remember my dreams. For the third morning in a row I was left with an impression but no content. I could sense in my peripheral memory that the dreams had the same setting again, but like the days before I couldn't tell exactly where it was or what happened there, just that it was there. Dogs barked and hammer struck. The workmen had arrived at my house to continue the remodelling. I wandered to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.
It happened while I was shaving, whittling away at a 5 day old beard that I just hadn't had time to deal with. I cleared my throat and spat and there it was bright, red, and wet. A lovely color--really beautiful for a flower or the sky, just not what you want coming out of your mouth. That red color is one of the many colors of fear. It is one of the many colors of wondering. It is a herald of death and a herald that you just need to be better about flossing your teeth. This time it was someone in between.
This is the second time my body has tried to kill me like this, from the inside out. I am the inheritor of a formidable edifice with some hidden interior defects. I have never broken a bone. My muscles are extremely strong for their compact size and my digestion is a furnace. My organs, however, seem to like to travel. Walls of things seem to like to herniate and my parts to visit each other in ways they shouldn't. In my early 20's I experienced a congenital inguinal hernia. And now a year shy of my 40th birthday my esophagus has revolted. Perhaps longing for Iceland and seeking to be close to those Scandinavians whose societies and folklore I admire, it decided to take on a malady most commonly found in old Northern European men. Named by the 19th Century German pathologist Friedrich Albert von Zenker, Zenker's Diverticulum has no known cause. It's the formation of a growth in the throat that creates a pocket that catches food. This can go on to cause all kinds of problems... like spitting up blood.
For men, blood coming out of our bodies is rarely a welcome sight. It's a sign that almost always says, "It's worse than you thought." Now maybe it's a good thing I've got this Zenker's Diverticulum (actually I have two of them, Jumbo and Junior) because I can feel them and that brought me to the doctor. What I haven't been feeling is that I also have a, thank goodness very small, hiatal hernia. That's when the walls surrounding the entry of the esophagus to the stomach start to allow the stomach to escape into the chest. A very advanced version of this is what eventually killed my father. So perhaps thank you, Herr Zenker, for harassing me so I'd come in and find out what other nastiness was lurking in my upper digestive tract. Fine. All good, but slow down please, shall we? I had an appointment for an upper endoscopy to take a camera to my innards and look about scheduled for Thursday of next week. Clearing my throat to encounter three solid spits of bright red blood says, "hurry up" and "cancel your plans". And because I'm me, it also says, "Remember at any moment you may die."
When I used to ride on airplanes I would often identify the person on the plane I would want to kiss if the plane was plummeting to our inescapable doom. Why, after all, should we spend our last minutes in horror screaming and freaking out when we could accept our fate and make the best of our last moments. "Love the one you're with" and all that. Now all I think about is Love, the pure and universal kind. I think about sitting in my chair with my seatbelt on as the plane goes down and just meditating on Love. When I coughed up blood this morning I thought about dying. Every time I really think about death I learn about myself. I thought not of the things I want to experience that I haven't experienced yet. The idea came to mind and honestly I'm pretty satisfied. I've seen the stars reflected in the Amazon River, I've listened to chamber music in the oldest church in Venice, I've eaten the finest food and had strange and wonderful and sweet and loving sex. What I thought of was, "what have I not yet given the world?" "What do I have in me from which others might benefit that I have not given?" With total sincerity that's really what I thought and think about. Stories and political activism and yoga classes and being there for friends and family. And what else? Not for my own glory but to create more joy and fulfilment in the world, alleviation of suffering and the elevation of spirits, beings flourishing as their true selves.
I also felt so grateful, so incredibly thankful that I've been blessed to live 39 charmed years in this magnificent world. If I were to die tomorrow I would still have done phenomenally well compared to much of humanity. That said, I really have no interest in dying right now. My chances of dying from Zenker's Uncommon Throat Malady or my new little hernia are very slim thanks to modern medicine, but I can't help but think of Death a little because without modern medicine these things would eventually kill me. Contemplating death serves to remind me, and maybe you, of where you are in life and what is important. And when I really thought about it what I wanted to tell everyone is to love one another, to love ourselves, and to be ourselves. The rest--forgiveness, compassion, inspiration, generosity, and a myriad of other good things--all basically flow from that. Whether you see your fellow human being and fellow creatures as like you or actually *as* you we are all worthy of as much love as we can dish out to each other whatever forms that may necessarily take.
For me, personally, All are One. Everyone and everything is a manifestation of the Divine experiencing itself. I have not the wisdom to comprehend the source but every dancing sub-atomic particle in my being calls out to the full expression of the divine in Love. As Above so below. May all beings be happy and free. Be excellent to each other.
Aum.
... that the overwhelming majority of my problems are issues of over-abundance. I am a lucky beast.
- Current Mood:
thankful
For some reason it occurs to me now at this moment, how awesome my life is. I was going to try and jam it all in to one ridiculous run-on sentence but it got way out of hand.
Why am I going to bed so late? Because I was up practicing and co-creating a Hindu themed acrobatic circus theatre performance with a number of my extremely talented and good hearted friends/creative collaborators. It's being great fun to create and is on it's way to being a fine show that we can adapt in a great number of ways. I appreciate and respect my fellows for their talents and feel their appreciation and respect. I am up so late because I stopped off at the house of my magical loving beautiful elf partner for kisses, hugs, humor, and love and to get my pillow which I left there after a sweet sleep over last night. I am up so late because one of my favorite restaurant's kitchen was closed a minute before I arrived so I went home and cooked my own delicious version of what I was going to eat out. I'm going to bed so late because I chose to stay up and write this.
I'm up about 2 hours after I wanted to go to bed to get a good night sleep before teaching one of two yoga classes available to anyone regardless of financial status. I want to be fresh tomorrow because I'm hosting a circus side show in the warehouse where I live tomorrow night and introducing the show.
I'm on the verge of having my own house and renovating it to my liking. I'm preparing to write more stories and perform more stories and teach classes on comparative mythology and folklore. I have a lot on the way, much in the works in this general arena.
And I'm exhausted. It's time for a pleasant sleep. Perhaps I'll nap tomorrow. Good night.
Why am I going to bed so late? Because I was up practicing and co-creating a Hindu themed acrobatic circus theatre performance with a number of my extremely talented and good hearted friends/creative collaborators. It's being great fun to create and is on it's way to being a fine show that we can adapt in a great number of ways. I appreciate and respect my fellows for their talents and feel their appreciation and respect. I am up so late because I stopped off at the house of my magical loving beautiful elf partner for kisses, hugs, humor, and love and to get my pillow which I left there after a sweet sleep over last night. I am up so late because one of my favorite restaurant's kitchen was closed a minute before I arrived so I went home and cooked my own delicious version of what I was going to eat out. I'm going to bed so late because I chose to stay up and write this.
I'm up about 2 hours after I wanted to go to bed to get a good night sleep before teaching one of two yoga classes available to anyone regardless of financial status. I want to be fresh tomorrow because I'm hosting a circus side show in the warehouse where I live tomorrow night and introducing the show.
I'm on the verge of having my own house and renovating it to my liking. I'm preparing to write more stories and perform more stories and teach classes on comparative mythology and folklore. I have a lot on the way, much in the works in this general arena.
And I'm exhausted. It's time for a pleasant sleep. Perhaps I'll nap tomorrow. Good night.
It happens slowly and it happens in flashes. It is present and gone and present and forgotten and overcomes you like a wave. Do you feel it sometimes, that sense of being merely one glorious cell in a giant incomprehensible organism? That everything you think to do you were already going to do before you thought to do it? Do you feel the quiver in the air that is the paradox between free will and your will being fully in synchronous harmony with the will of the divine that is your will? And then I think to express it and I feel the energy of divinity touch the Void and fall and come to itself in the linguistic cognition of material thought. That thought expressed realizes it was, it is something else, but as what it is now it cannot, simply cannot, see what it once was before. Glorious and radiant and true and not the thing itself. Within it however resides a seed of that from which it came. And it evolves in the pattern of its origin. We see it again and again everywhere. Fractals. The Fibonacci series. God in everything is God AS Everything. There is nothing that is not God. Any gods that may exist are God. You are God and I am God and we are gods.
As soon as you turn around to look at it, however, it fades. Try to record it and it is gone or hazy or different like a ghost on film. Ride it, ride it out far into the ocean or back to the shore and see where it takes you. When it stops moving it disappears. To write it down is to pin it down or to surf it. Best not think to much and just let it flow and sort through it later. This is Inspiration and it is legend throughout the ages because it has always been the word of God and God has a fine sense of humor and is a fine sense of humor. How do we reconcile all the things we think should not be God? The pain and the suffering, the injustice and repression. St. Augustus believed that Evil is merely the absence of God. But there is no absence of God. There is nothing else for there to be, even the void which is not nothing, even the Void which is not a place. How do we wrap our cute tiny little four dimensional heads around this? Perhaps we do not. Perhaps we merely listen, attune ourselves to our inner voice and listen. Listen to the endless call for compassion and balance. A call sung throughout the ages. I dare say and I dare say this, listen to the true voice of your Self, learn to separate conditioning from conscious, find your true bliss and chase it like a playful lover. Take as much time for study as makes sense for you but regardless of how you enjoy to explore, always be YOU. The Divinity has chosen to manifest as you and it wants to be the full, flourishing, unapologetically whatever it is that you are. BE IT. Let no one dissuade you in the expression of your true Self that is your true Will that is the true Will and Self of God.
As soon as you turn around to look at it, however, it fades. Try to record it and it is gone or hazy or different like a ghost on film. Ride it, ride it out far into the ocean or back to the shore and see where it takes you. When it stops moving it disappears. To write it down is to pin it down or to surf it. Best not think to much and just let it flow and sort through it later. This is Inspiration and it is legend throughout the ages because it has always been the word of God and God has a fine sense of humor and is a fine sense of humor. How do we reconcile all the things we think should not be God? The pain and the suffering, the injustice and repression. St. Augustus believed that Evil is merely the absence of God. But there is no absence of God. There is nothing else for there to be, even the void which is not nothing, even the Void which is not a place. How do we wrap our cute tiny little four dimensional heads around this? Perhaps we do not. Perhaps we merely listen, attune ourselves to our inner voice and listen. Listen to the endless call for compassion and balance. A call sung throughout the ages. I dare say and I dare say this, listen to the true voice of your Self, learn to separate conditioning from conscious, find your true bliss and chase it like a playful lover. Take as much time for study as makes sense for you but regardless of how you enjoy to explore, always be YOU. The Divinity has chosen to manifest as you and it wants to be the full, flourishing, unapologetically whatever it is that you are. BE IT. Let no one dissuade you in the expression of your true Self that is your true Will that is the true Will and Self of God.
- Current Music:Austra
If you feel nostalgic about a time in your life think about what you did then, how you felt then and see how you can change your perspective to feel and do that way now. The sky still holds the same drama it did when you sat for hours and watched the clouds. Your lover's touch is just as sweet as that first time you felt those hands upon you. The birds and the insects are singing a song just for you.
Permaculture principles apply to just about everything in life and it is becoming more and more clear that the more and more I stack the functions in my own life the more I succeed. I see stacking functions in life as a special kind of focus, allowing variety and diversification to coexist with and support focus by confining that variety to mutually supportive activities. Though a bit on the back burner because I so damn busy with existing commitments, I am presently looking at my life and starting to explore ways to be focused, efficient, and extraordinary without narrowing my focus in a way that will make me unhappy. I am starting to take that inventory now. I think it will be an excellently productive procrastinatory activity today.
Christmas Eve was quite the day, one of those days I have so frequently that seem like a great many days of experience yet I have yet to go to sleep. I wanted to write this then when it was all so fresh but as is so often the case, there was no time. A few hours in the middle of this Christmas day are proving a calm in that great storm of experience, a joyful storm. There are a number more powerful experiences and related reflections that I have about yesterday but this is about my experience in about 4 hours of shopping at the mall.
Yesterday I went to the Town Centre Mall. Unlike that crappy little mall we have in Asheville, Town Centre is an extravagant and affluent place full of high end stores selling high end goods. A Bentley and a Rolls Royce are parked outside of Cartier, a Ferrari outside of Louis Vuitton. There are beautiful clothes and clever and enticing advertisements and packaging. Look in one direction and find finely crafted jewelry and in another cutting edge electronics. Despite the holiday rush, people are polite and friendly. This is the flower of a bubble of affluence and I must admit, I find it beautiful. Why? Why do I find it beautiful when I know all too well that the Bentley gets abysmal gas mileage and a lot of those fancy gifts are far from made with fair labor? How do I find this beautiful when I know that in the world we live in, the way this world we have created works, this is totally unsustainable, and elitist even in our little bubble of the United States?
I find it beautiful because it is the expression of so much that is human. People loving and wanting to be loved. People creating things they are proud of and people so taken by these creations that they are willing to spend their resources to obtain them. People wanting to be beautiful. People wanting to be connected. People wanting to be happy. And how do we human beings, with our bipedal walk and our magical opposable thumbs do this? How have we done this for countless centuries but by the manipulation of our material world? We build, we craft, we create in the physical. We make clothing and art and equipment and in so doing we express our very being through these material things. To me, this is the reason why human beings exist, why we are so different than the rest of our family here on earth. We are the ultimate artists and recombiners of the animal kingdom. Along with our fellow architects the birds and bees and many insects we create incredible things.
Every time I see a dress or a necklace or a car or a book or a stuffed animal I see the spirit of the human being who brought that thing from their imagination into the material world. This is an act of magic. Before there was only a thought and then a human spirit brought energy from the realm of ideas into the realm of the material. Water and electricity and metal and flesh combined to created something from the organic and inorganic substances of the earth and then it went on it’s own unique journey to get exactly where it is right now. Each object has a story that ripples off into infinity. And every time I look at every object I can feel that story. Each time I look at the people shopping I glimpse into the glorious complexity of the human experience. Of each unique tiny universe of a person with their hopes and fears and dreams and histories manifest in desire in the material world. It is a strange and glorious fractal dance manifest on every level of being. Yesterday in particular I felt like I could feel that stream around me like music, like every human being and every object was an instrument in an orchestra animated by the divine. Walking about in the mall I was so affected by this feeling of connection to and apprecation of divinity manifest as all things that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. In the Mall! As such, I felt blessed.
I've been away from LJ for a while. Not that most people would notice because almost all of my entries are private these days. Back when there was a vibrant community here I was more inclined to post, being the ridiculously social creature that I am. So not so many to-do lists lately. I've been a bit scattered. I've also been very productive. I've crossed almost everything off of my short/medium term to-do lists and am now assessing my life and what I'm up to and what I want to be up to.
More and more I'm interested in money. It's not money for the sake of money or fancy stuff, it's mainly money in order to provide the material components for the spells I want to cast. Spells that require land and building materials for the most part. You see I can't seem to shake my obsession with starting an Eco-village, an magical elf tribe in the woods. So I studied permacluture and I'm about to spend a bunch of money to go to the Seattle area and learn about livable treehouses. I want to go to Whales to see the amazing hobbit home there and help those amazing folks build another one. I've got the dough for all this traveling already. What I don't have is the money to acquire a few dozen acres reasonably close to a cool city like Asheville where I and my friends can create something incredible.
You see I'm not much for compromising on quality. And I'm really not a fan of discomfort. I don't want years of scavenging together some ramshackle settlement. I want to create the seed for a Lothlorien or a Rivendell. I want to create something perhaps quite a bit like Esalen, but with the ability to live there permanently. And I want it to be reasonably comfortable from the start. And that is going to take some money.
So I think how can I personally thrive and love my life and get this money together. I think about what I could do that I would love doing anyway, regardless of whether or not it was serving some greater purpose. As for gathering money for the project, there's certainly stuff like Kickstarter to help. I have all sorts of ideas up my sleeve for that. I'm sure there are grants for such things too. The way my mind works though I'm just more inclined to try to make a bunch of money and fund a lot of it myself. That's more fun for me, too. I don't like asking for money, I'd much rather just do stuff I enjoy to earn it. To that end I'm trying to grow my existing web design business while making the day to day operations of such more palatable for me. I love teaching yoga, but that's not going to make a lot of money. Nonetheless I'll be spending some time doing it and making a small amount of money in the process because I love it. I need to teach myself about investing as I have a bit of money to invest. Not to do so would be foolish. I'll try to make that fun somehow. And lastly and most excitingly there's stories. I love creating and telling stories. Not so much writing them, but that needs to change as people are far more inclined to buy objects than they are to spend large amounts of money on live performances.
Creating something like this would mean I could finally relax. It would mean that I would have created something of great goodness and value in the world. Something I, a creature with ridiculously high standards for myself and my accomplishments in life could actually be satisfied with.
What does that all come down to? I need to more more self-disciplined and better with my time. I need to find a way to put myself on some sort of schedule and stay on it. By flailing around less I shall accomplish more. Accomplish things like doing research and writing every day. Sure I already almost always read fables or fairytales while I eat and before I sleep, but I don't read about investment strategies. Sure I'm coming up with stories all the time but some many of them are like cloud dragons formed beautiful and grand in the sky and reduced to fragments of memory with the changing of the wind.
Since I reap the benefits and side effects of a life where there is no one else to tell me what to do I'm going to follow old Fred Nietzsche's advice and try to rule myself. Here's what I'm going to do. It's fantastically simple. To keep the freedom I love but try to get better control of myself there will be no more staying up super late unless I'm having fun with a friend or friends. No more dicking around on the computer until 3am or admiring by Fable 2 characters sexy wardrobe until I can't think clearly anymore around 4. Now if I want to stay up late partying with my friends, that's another thing. But no more solo super late night. Next with that extra hour or two in the AM getting back to my every day morning schedule of pranayama, to which I add a light breakfast and running and/or swimming. Then more food. Then 2-4 hours of work, then more exercise (sometimes yoga). Super crucial is NOT checking my email before pranayama. I frequently am driven to get some sort of work done if I do this and by the time that's done I'm super hungry thus derailing pranayama which is best done on a completely empty stomach. Of course, every day will be different so every night (as in as soon as I post this) I will make my schedule for the next day. Every day I accomplish my schedule I will move $10 to my "exuberance fund" which in any given year could mean up to $3650 dollars for play. A worthy incentive. Speaking of which, time to make tomorrows schedule!
Dream well, y'all. And to paraphrase the words of the immortal Doctor Frank N Furter,
"Don't [just] dream it, be it!"
More and more I'm interested in money. It's not money for the sake of money or fancy stuff, it's mainly money in order to provide the material components for the spells I want to cast. Spells that require land and building materials for the most part. You see I can't seem to shake my obsession with starting an Eco-village, an magical elf tribe in the woods. So I studied permacluture and I'm about to spend a bunch of money to go to the Seattle area and learn about livable treehouses. I want to go to Whales to see the amazing hobbit home there and help those amazing folks build another one. I've got the dough for all this traveling already. What I don't have is the money to acquire a few dozen acres reasonably close to a cool city like Asheville where I and my friends can create something incredible.
You see I'm not much for compromising on quality. And I'm really not a fan of discomfort. I don't want years of scavenging together some ramshackle settlement. I want to create the seed for a Lothlorien or a Rivendell. I want to create something perhaps quite a bit like Esalen, but with the ability to live there permanently. And I want it to be reasonably comfortable from the start. And that is going to take some money.
So I think how can I personally thrive and love my life and get this money together. I think about what I could do that I would love doing anyway, regardless of whether or not it was serving some greater purpose. As for gathering money for the project, there's certainly stuff like Kickstarter to help. I have all sorts of ideas up my sleeve for that. I'm sure there are grants for such things too. The way my mind works though I'm just more inclined to try to make a bunch of money and fund a lot of it myself. That's more fun for me, too. I don't like asking for money, I'd much rather just do stuff I enjoy to earn it. To that end I'm trying to grow my existing web design business while making the day to day operations of such more palatable for me. I love teaching yoga, but that's not going to make a lot of money. Nonetheless I'll be spending some time doing it and making a small amount of money in the process because I love it. I need to teach myself about investing as I have a bit of money to invest. Not to do so would be foolish. I'll try to make that fun somehow. And lastly and most excitingly there's stories. I love creating and telling stories. Not so much writing them, but that needs to change as people are far more inclined to buy objects than they are to spend large amounts of money on live performances.
Creating something like this would mean I could finally relax. It would mean that I would have created something of great goodness and value in the world. Something I, a creature with ridiculously high standards for myself and my accomplishments in life could actually be satisfied with.
What does that all come down to? I need to more more self-disciplined and better with my time. I need to find a way to put myself on some sort of schedule and stay on it. By flailing around less I shall accomplish more. Accomplish things like doing research and writing every day. Sure I already almost always read fables or fairytales while I eat and before I sleep, but I don't read about investment strategies. Sure I'm coming up with stories all the time but some many of them are like cloud dragons formed beautiful and grand in the sky and reduced to fragments of memory with the changing of the wind.
Since I reap the benefits and side effects of a life where there is no one else to tell me what to do I'm going to follow old Fred Nietzsche's advice and try to rule myself. Here's what I'm going to do. It's fantastically simple. To keep the freedom I love but try to get better control of myself there will be no more staying up super late unless I'm having fun with a friend or friends. No more dicking around on the computer until 3am or admiring by Fable 2 characters sexy wardrobe until I can't think clearly anymore around 4. Now if I want to stay up late partying with my friends, that's another thing. But no more solo super late night. Next with that extra hour or two in the AM getting back to my every day morning schedule of pranayama, to which I add a light breakfast and running and/or swimming. Then more food. Then 2-4 hours of work, then more exercise (sometimes yoga). Super crucial is NOT checking my email before pranayama. I frequently am driven to get some sort of work done if I do this and by the time that's done I'm super hungry thus derailing pranayama which is best done on a completely empty stomach. Of course, every day will be different so every night (as in as soon as I post this) I will make my schedule for the next day. Every day I accomplish my schedule I will move $10 to my "exuberance fund" which in any given year could mean up to $3650 dollars for play. A worthy incentive. Speaking of which, time to make tomorrows schedule!
Dream well, y'all. And to paraphrase the words of the immortal Doctor Frank N Furter,
"Don't [just] dream it, be it!"
I usually keep these private as they are often a combination of completely mundane stuff that no one would care about and private reflections that I prefer to keep uncensored. Today, however, I will share what my little bit of daily writing looks like. I also usually write these first thing in the morning, but sometimes also as a recap at night as today.
This morning I awoke from being a dolphin. It was the first dream I've had like this in a long while and the first time I think I've actually been a dolphin. I was with my parents who were also dolphins. My mother was with me and talking to me about things and my father was mostly off doing his own thing. I was a full grown dolphin but it was apparent that my parents had experienced their dolphin-ness before I and my mom was filling me in on a lot of things. We were hanging out in a lagoon by Ibiza. There were some really beautiful cliffs and rocks. The water was pretty murky and I kept worrying a bit about sharks along with exploring the area and what I could do as a dolphin. It wasn't until after I was awake for a couple hours that I realized that I was not echo-locating. My only real senses were sight and touch/kinetic. No wonder I was a bit disoriented. My first thought upon realizing that was compassion for all the other sea animals who cannot echo-locate. Interesting.
Woke up to no orange juice or bananas. This will have to change for tomorrow. Gods, I still haven't written any proper entries about Transformus. I'm way over due on proper journal writing. Perhaps Friday. If not, over the weekend.
To do today!
Going to get to be at a reasonable time tonight, though I'm also tempted to call friends on the west coast, I really want to get a reasonably early start on tomorrow so I can both get a lot of exercise and get a lot of work done.
This morning I awoke from being a dolphin. It was the first dream I've had like this in a long while and the first time I think I've actually been a dolphin. I was with my parents who were also dolphins. My mother was with me and talking to me about things and my father was mostly off doing his own thing. I was a full grown dolphin but it was apparent that my parents had experienced their dolphin-ness before I and my mom was filling me in on a lot of things. We were hanging out in a lagoon by Ibiza. There were some really beautiful cliffs and rocks. The water was pretty murky and I kept worrying a bit about sharks along with exploring the area and what I could do as a dolphin. It wasn't until after I was awake for a couple hours that I realized that I was not echo-locating. My only real senses were sight and touch/kinetic. No wonder I was a bit disoriented. My first thought upon realizing that was compassion for all the other sea animals who cannot echo-locate. Interesting.
Woke up to no orange juice or bananas. This will have to change for tomorrow. Gods, I still haven't written any proper entries about Transformus. I'm way over due on proper journal writing. Perhaps Friday. If not, over the weekend.
To do today!
- X pranayama and light yoga
- X work
- X laundry
- X shave
- schedule a hair cut (failed due to the stylist I wanted not being available for 2 weeks)
- X 6:30pm Tai Chi
- X buy shower curtain hoops
- X exchange sandals
- X grocery shopping
Going to get to be at a reasonable time tonight, though I'm also tempted to call friends on the west coast, I really want to get a reasonably early start on tomorrow so I can both get a lot of exercise and get a lot of work done.
- Current Location:Asheville
- Current Music:Pandora
It is a good day to be alive in the Empire!
What is this form? This amazing gift? The world is not an illusion for the spirit and if it is that is irrelevant anyway. I feel so blessed I could burst into ten thousand stars but I'm not sure whether or not that would be more fun than what I'm doing right now. Life is almost carefree. All is well. I am healthy and strong and playful and loving and loved. I am surrounded by friends, human, animal and spirit. The world is conspiring to my benefit and my actions conspire to its.
To be free to go and practice partner acrobatics at 2:30pm on a Friday. To be responsible and on time and appreciated for it. To be compassionate and easy going enough to not care that others are late. To enjoy the body so thoroughly. To have the opportunity to help others in small ways. To have the ease to go and eat at my favorite restaurant and not worry about the cost. To linger over a good book and drink sweet tea. To smile sincerely at everyone who looks at me. To wear these three feathers in my hat. To return home in comfort and find the communal kitchen towels I bought sitting nicely in the spare hamper I acquired so we could be mellow about laundry and not worry about not taking things out if we got too busy. Small things. Small beautiful things.
When I enter my room I always say hello to the spiders. My bedroom is full of spiders. I could shoo them away, but these spiders, these brave knights are not poisonous and want nothing more than to feast upon the little creatures who might like to nibble on me. And so the spider friends stay away from my bed and my clothes and I greet them warmly whenever I come home. From the fireflies to the spiders to the kind traffic lights that wait just long enough for me to pass before they turn red, my world is full of friends. Everything is alive and all is love. Certainly not all love is gentle and you don't show a bear or an alligator your appreciation by trying to pet them but there is love there nonetheless.
That is this moment. As I now sit is my little office with Pandora playing and the fan whirring and a wondering on what I am blessed to be able to choose to do next. I think I will go out into the yard for a little while and stand in the shade of a giant tree and juggle. All is good and beautiful in my world. I swim in gratitude and joy.
What is this form? This amazing gift? The world is not an illusion for the spirit and if it is that is irrelevant anyway. I feel so blessed I could burst into ten thousand stars but I'm not sure whether or not that would be more fun than what I'm doing right now. Life is almost carefree. All is well. I am healthy and strong and playful and loving and loved. I am surrounded by friends, human, animal and spirit. The world is conspiring to my benefit and my actions conspire to its.
To be free to go and practice partner acrobatics at 2:30pm on a Friday. To be responsible and on time and appreciated for it. To be compassionate and easy going enough to not care that others are late. To enjoy the body so thoroughly. To have the opportunity to help others in small ways. To have the ease to go and eat at my favorite restaurant and not worry about the cost. To linger over a good book and drink sweet tea. To smile sincerely at everyone who looks at me. To wear these three feathers in my hat. To return home in comfort and find the communal kitchen towels I bought sitting nicely in the spare hamper I acquired so we could be mellow about laundry and not worry about not taking things out if we got too busy. Small things. Small beautiful things.
When I enter my room I always say hello to the spiders. My bedroom is full of spiders. I could shoo them away, but these spiders, these brave knights are not poisonous and want nothing more than to feast upon the little creatures who might like to nibble on me. And so the spider friends stay away from my bed and my clothes and I greet them warmly whenever I come home. From the fireflies to the spiders to the kind traffic lights that wait just long enough for me to pass before they turn red, my world is full of friends. Everything is alive and all is love. Certainly not all love is gentle and you don't show a bear or an alligator your appreciation by trying to pet them but there is love there nonetheless.
That is this moment. As I now sit is my little office with Pandora playing and the fan whirring and a wondering on what I am blessed to be able to choose to do next. I think I will go out into the yard for a little while and stand in the shade of a giant tree and juggle. All is good and beautiful in my world. I swim in gratitude and joy.
- Current Location:Asheville
- Current Music:pandora
There is only one thing in existence but this one thing is infinitely complex. From inside that makes this unity look like a multiplicity, but it is truly all one thing, every piece interwoven and part of the same single whole.
Amazing dream night. I had several vivid awesome dreams. The one I remember best I was on a space ship. I just arrived and was getting oriented with the vessel. It was about the size of the average ocean cruise ship. I was in the main cafeteria and had arrived after most of the food had been eaten but I could tell that there had been many choices and I would have liked many of them. The robot cafeteria server was very friendly and helpful. And I remember being sad for a moment thinking that I would never see earth again and might be on this space ship for the rest of my life. And then I thought, wow, I've had all the experiences I've already had and now I live on a space ship, my life is amazing.
I've been writing a lot privately, daily reflections along with a list of things to do during the day. Some of it is too mundane to share, some too personal, and some would make lovely public entries but I'd rather write naturally than have to split it all up for the various audiences or lack thereof. Overall I've been busy with storytelling and circus stuff, usually getting a lot of nice exercise, and taking care of necessary web design business. I've been very thoughtful lately and will get around to expressing those things in public entries at some point.
Also a note the the occasional Russian folks who check out my journal. You always seem very interesting and have great photos. Unfortunately I've neglected my study of Russian and can no longer remember how to read Cyrillic let alone actually speak Russian. I think I will come back to my study of Russian and German soon, but I'm wanting to fully regain my equilibrium in my new home before I add much more to my plate. I'm already quite busy with circus and storytelling and yoga and tai chi and web design and finishing setting up my life.
much love to all,
R
Also a note the the occasional Russian folks who check out my journal. You always seem very interesting and have great photos. Unfortunately I've neglected my study of Russian and can no longer remember how to read Cyrillic let alone actually speak Russian. I think I will come back to my study of Russian and German soon, but I'm wanting to fully regain my equilibrium in my new home before I add much more to my plate. I'm already quite busy with circus and storytelling and yoga and tai chi and web design and finishing setting up my life.
much love to all,
R
I rode my bike out to Three Muses for dinner. The bike ride through the Bywater seemed somehow longer than usual. Did I pass the Press Street tracks yet? No, not yet. The streets of New Orleans look like I think streets are supposed to look. Small, ragged and flanked on both sides by beautiful old houses. Some are opulent, some are falling apart. Some have huge ancient trees, some piles of trash. Almost all of them were built before 1920. Even after years of neglect and perhaps because of it there is just something about those houses. Some are so similar to the beautiful perfect homes of Alameda yet they are so different.
I'm listening to Olivia again. Her band is now called Lady Baby Miss and the Tigermen. When I first met her in 2005 it was A Particularly Vicious Rumor. She and Jay were spellbinding. I'll never forget that show at the Circle Bar, Ratty Scurvics, A Particularly Vicious Rumor, and El Radio Fantastique. I didn't know anyone. I danced so hard. I felt shy but I talked with Olivia and bought her a beer. Things change. I quit smoking. I've had one of the former members of El Radio Fantastique play in the Black Forest Menagerie. Jay went from Kid Twist to DJ Rusty Lazer and plays bounce music. Olivia is still singing and playing piano and sometimes making me cry. Somehow her shows keep happening at slightly the wrong time. I missed another one, but I was happy to catch a moment with Olivia before I had gone.
After dinner at Three Muses I headed to the Howling Wolf Den. I didn't recognize anyone and there was brightly lit bad free comedy. I was tired and I have a long day of driving to Asheville ahead of me so I lingered for about 15 minutes and sent Olivia a text that I'd have to catch her some other time in some other place, but just then a van rolled up that could only contain the band. And so I got hugs and goodbyes and the CD that I'm listening to right now.
On my way to the Howling Wolf I stopped in Jackson Square Park and hung my hat up on a spike on that gate where I commune with the city spirit and pressed myself against the iron. I've never hugged a metal fence the way I hug this gate and feel so much like I'm hugging a lover or a dear friend. It might look pretty strange from the outside but it just feels right. It's where I talk to her. I thought she wasn't talking to me for a while but she's been quite intimate in these past few days before I leave. She's been dear and has for a few days given me nothing but love. It doesn't make me want to stay but it does make me know I'll come back. New Orleans, it turned out that we aren't going to stay together forever and we're not going to make babies, instead we'll be friends forever and I'll always come back here and always carry some of her with me. For all of New Orleans's flaws there is just something magical about her and for all the shit she may have done to other people she's changed my life in so many beautiful ways, right down to that troublesome hurricane that gave me the push I needed to completely transform my life. Without Katrina I may never have joined the circus.
Today Jack came by to help me move my things into my trailer. I've known him since I bought a piece of his amazing cut paper artwork in Jamaica Plain in 2004. New Orleans has shown him several lifetimes full of ugliness and I hope he gets out of here more quickly than he thinks and can buy that house in Boston. I had drinks with Lacar two nights ago and she'll most likely not leave the Bywater unless someone forces her out. She loves it here with a fierce loyalty as inspired as Jack's disgust. Colette is making plans to go to Austin. Her family is from here but she's ready for another city more suited to her. Cole is making a wonderful life for herself in this place that is her home, splitting time between the Quarter and Gulfport in a increasingly honed equation for success and happiness. She's a serious keeper of a friend who saved my ass with the packing situation twice in the past. (Oh, and Colette helped once, too.) And then there's theredpanther and Lesleigh who I enjoy and appreciate greatly and never see enough of. And my awesome hausmate Monique, who's moving back to Austin.
I couldn't have just moved to Asheville without this time in New Orleans. Everything happens for a reason and it seems especially clear to me in my life. Five more unsettled months before I finally get to rest. It's okay.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to bicycle to Cafe du Monde and have some beignets and coffee and hug the gate of Jackson Square Park again and then I'm going to bike back to the Bywater, get into my car and drive away.
I'm listening to Olivia again. Her band is now called Lady Baby Miss and the Tigermen. When I first met her in 2005 it was A Particularly Vicious Rumor. She and Jay were spellbinding. I'll never forget that show at the Circle Bar, Ratty Scurvics, A Particularly Vicious Rumor, and El Radio Fantastique. I didn't know anyone. I danced so hard. I felt shy but I talked with Olivia and bought her a beer. Things change. I quit smoking. I've had one of the former members of El Radio Fantastique play in the Black Forest Menagerie. Jay went from Kid Twist to DJ Rusty Lazer and plays bounce music. Olivia is still singing and playing piano and sometimes making me cry. Somehow her shows keep happening at slightly the wrong time. I missed another one, but I was happy to catch a moment with Olivia before I had gone.
After dinner at Three Muses I headed to the Howling Wolf Den. I didn't recognize anyone and there was brightly lit bad free comedy. I was tired and I have a long day of driving to Asheville ahead of me so I lingered for about 15 minutes and sent Olivia a text that I'd have to catch her some other time in some other place, but just then a van rolled up that could only contain the band. And so I got hugs and goodbyes and the CD that I'm listening to right now.
On my way to the Howling Wolf I stopped in Jackson Square Park and hung my hat up on a spike on that gate where I commune with the city spirit and pressed myself against the iron. I've never hugged a metal fence the way I hug this gate and feel so much like I'm hugging a lover or a dear friend. It might look pretty strange from the outside but it just feels right. It's where I talk to her. I thought she wasn't talking to me for a while but she's been quite intimate in these past few days before I leave. She's been dear and has for a few days given me nothing but love. It doesn't make me want to stay but it does make me know I'll come back. New Orleans, it turned out that we aren't going to stay together forever and we're not going to make babies, instead we'll be friends forever and I'll always come back here and always carry some of her with me. For all of New Orleans's flaws there is just something magical about her and for all the shit she may have done to other people she's changed my life in so many beautiful ways, right down to that troublesome hurricane that gave me the push I needed to completely transform my life. Without Katrina I may never have joined the circus.
Today Jack came by to help me move my things into my trailer. I've known him since I bought a piece of his amazing cut paper artwork in Jamaica Plain in 2004. New Orleans has shown him several lifetimes full of ugliness and I hope he gets out of here more quickly than he thinks and can buy that house in Boston. I had drinks with Lacar two nights ago and she'll most likely not leave the Bywater unless someone forces her out. She loves it here with a fierce loyalty as inspired as Jack's disgust. Colette is making plans to go to Austin. Her family is from here but she's ready for another city more suited to her. Cole is making a wonderful life for herself in this place that is her home, splitting time between the Quarter and Gulfport in a increasingly honed equation for success and happiness. She's a serious keeper of a friend who saved my ass with the packing situation twice in the past. (Oh, and Colette helped once, too.) And then there's theredpanther and Lesleigh who I enjoy and appreciate greatly and never see enough of. And my awesome hausmate Monique, who's moving back to Austin.
I couldn't have just moved to Asheville without this time in New Orleans. Everything happens for a reason and it seems especially clear to me in my life. Five more unsettled months before I finally get to rest. It's okay.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to bicycle to Cafe du Monde and have some beignets and coffee and hug the gate of Jackson Square Park again and then I'm going to bike back to the Bywater, get into my car and drive away.
- Current Location:New Orleans
- Current Music:Lady Baby Miss
This room, which was never properly furnished, never properly lived in, then filled with boxes is now nearly empty again. My things wait in the otherwise empty living room to get packed away in a trailer tomorrow. It is the easiest packing I've ever done because I never really unpacked at all. The last time I left New Orleans was a lot like this, too. My things arrived from Boston about a month before Katrina and I never completely unpacked before I left. I'm leaving again almost exactly five years after I left the first time.
I feel strange. Certainly I am excited for the life I am moving to, but in this strangely empty house I am right now missing some of the lives that I have had and some of the lives that never came to be. I may end up seeing a friend this evening or I may spend the evening alone.
The last two years have been so odd and so unsettled. I thought I was going to live in the Mission for a long time. And that fell apart. Then I knew I'd only be in Alameda for six months, and in many ways that was a heavenly six months. Then the last 11 months of adventure and chaos. Right now, I want to root down for a while. Possibly quite a while. I am two days from doing so.
I feel strange. Certainly I am excited for the life I am moving to, but in this strangely empty house I am right now missing some of the lives that I have had and some of the lives that never came to be. I may end up seeing a friend this evening or I may spend the evening alone.
The last two years have been so odd and so unsettled. I thought I was going to live in the Mission for a long time. And that fell apart. Then I knew I'd only be in Alameda for six months, and in many ways that was a heavenly six months. Then the last 11 months of adventure and chaos. Right now, I want to root down for a while. Possibly quite a while. I am two days from doing so.
- Current Location:New Orleans
- Current Music:Pandora
Sometimes life is "perfect" simply because life is always perfect, the Tao works this way at times requiring us to put in a good amount of effort to actually perceive the perfection. The larger events in the world are challenging this way right now, from Libya to Japan to right here in the United States. In my personal life however, the trees bud perfect green and the clean scents of life are in the air. The world is flowering for me a perfect manifestation of what I have set out to experience and set out to do. My cup once again overfloweth with goodness and joy. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and it deserves to be recorded as an ode to joy and a remembrance of happiness which I shall do all in my power to continue.
I feel like I've said it a hundred times and I probably actually have, but the welcome that I have received from Asheville has been utterly unprecedented. With no lack of gratitude to New Orleans, Boston, and the Bay Area in particular which provided me with marvels and great goodness upon my arrival, opening the door to Asheville was much like wandering a long and strange path to a door in a hill and finding within it all the splendor of Faerie. If I were able to forget my second-guessing and my rational (over?) caution (which I cast off at the ritual fire for Equinox) I would say, hell, I'll just say it: I feel fully embraced and at home. I have been embraced with love and excitement by a new circus/performance family which shares lineage with same family that first really embraced me in Oakland, Lucid Dream Lounge. The magical spirits of the Landing and it's beautiful extended family have shown me profound love and hospitality. They have re-inspired me to playfulness without letting go of my deeper mission one little bit. This weekend I met yet more fabulous creatures in an endless flow of amazing personalities here. I did a short impromptu performance on the lyra and felt amazingly comfortable and flowing on it. Though shy from a year or more of not practicing I also joined in the fire performance, breathing fire and using my giant fans. Someone in the crowd shouted "welcome to the family!" when my name was called in the bows. I stayed over night (morning really) and helped clean up the next day enjoying the company of my new but close friends. I managed to completely ignore work and relax and enjoy the rest of the day with this wondrous tribe returning home only for sleep.
The serendipities and synchronicities are endless. Walking through downtown before the party on Saturday I am drawn up a brick path through some trees into a tattoo studio where I'm greeted by an artist. Quickly a conversation develops about Christian cooption of pagan symbolism and on to realize that she did a tattoo for one of my Oakland friends and she knows all the Landing folk quite well. She has a full and profound experience of the spiritual aspect of the area and a deep appreciation of the magical and ritual potential of tattooing. I soon realize that I've found the person to do the tattoo for my right arm that I've been trying to figure out for goodness knows how many years and we start to talk about and draw the tattoo. I knew nothing about the place when I walked in, it was just a random tattoo parlor, but this is just an example. I can barely turn around without having another one of these experiences.
Daily living itself is wonderful. I'm at a beautiful house renovated with natural building techniques (and I enjoyed much deeply connecting conversation with one of builder/sculptresses at the Equinox party). Everywhere is the city is easily accessible by car or bicycle and I can feel myself quickly getting stronger biking up the hills. When I return with my things I will move into a deeply connected little neighborhood into which I've received a wonderful welcome as well. The house I'll be living at is the residence connected to a big urban farm with fruit orchards and its own CSA, Green Hill Farm. and the perfect just doesn't stop. I'll have my own big wood paneled room with a private bathroom in a huge house with a fireplace, and dedicated rooms for yoga/exercise, office, and guest bedroom. Plans are well afoot for a hot tub and wood burning pizza oven in the expansive farm/backyard, where they have parties several times a year. And it's not just a great place, it comes with awesome hausmates who are delighted to share their wonderful friends with me. Wow with wow.
So here I am, dare I say finally at home. Asheville really is PERFECT. Like I sat down with a checklist and marked off all of the options that I wanted for a place, all of the experiences that I would want on my arrival and everything is exactly as I desired to manifest. I feel very well loved in all ways and from all angles. I am fully embraced by all aspects of being here. I am happy.
I feel like I've said it a hundred times and I probably actually have, but the welcome that I have received from Asheville has been utterly unprecedented. With no lack of gratitude to New Orleans, Boston, and the Bay Area in particular which provided me with marvels and great goodness upon my arrival, opening the door to Asheville was much like wandering a long and strange path to a door in a hill and finding within it all the splendor of Faerie. If I were able to forget my second-guessing and my rational (over?) caution (which I cast off at the ritual fire for Equinox) I would say, hell, I'll just say it: I feel fully embraced and at home. I have been embraced with love and excitement by a new circus/performance family which shares lineage with same family that first really embraced me in Oakland, Lucid Dream Lounge. The magical spirits of the Landing and it's beautiful extended family have shown me profound love and hospitality. They have re-inspired me to playfulness without letting go of my deeper mission one little bit. This weekend I met yet more fabulous creatures in an endless flow of amazing personalities here. I did a short impromptu performance on the lyra and felt amazingly comfortable and flowing on it. Though shy from a year or more of not practicing I also joined in the fire performance, breathing fire and using my giant fans. Someone in the crowd shouted "welcome to the family!" when my name was called in the bows. I stayed over night (morning really) and helped clean up the next day enjoying the company of my new but close friends. I managed to completely ignore work and relax and enjoy the rest of the day with this wondrous tribe returning home only for sleep.
The serendipities and synchronicities are endless. Walking through downtown before the party on Saturday I am drawn up a brick path through some trees into a tattoo studio where I'm greeted by an artist. Quickly a conversation develops about Christian cooption of pagan symbolism and on to realize that she did a tattoo for one of my Oakland friends and she knows all the Landing folk quite well. She has a full and profound experience of the spiritual aspect of the area and a deep appreciation of the magical and ritual potential of tattooing. I soon realize that I've found the person to do the tattoo for my right arm that I've been trying to figure out for goodness knows how many years and we start to talk about and draw the tattoo. I knew nothing about the place when I walked in, it was just a random tattoo parlor, but this is just an example. I can barely turn around without having another one of these experiences.
Daily living itself is wonderful. I'm at a beautiful house renovated with natural building techniques (and I enjoyed much deeply connecting conversation with one of builder/sculptresses at the Equinox party). Everywhere is the city is easily accessible by car or bicycle and I can feel myself quickly getting stronger biking up the hills. When I return with my things I will move into a deeply connected little neighborhood into which I've received a wonderful welcome as well. The house I'll be living at is the residence connected to a big urban farm with fruit orchards and its own CSA, Green Hill Farm. and the perfect just doesn't stop. I'll have my own big wood paneled room with a private bathroom in a huge house with a fireplace, and dedicated rooms for yoga/exercise, office, and guest bedroom. Plans are well afoot for a hot tub and wood burning pizza oven in the expansive farm/backyard, where they have parties several times a year. And it's not just a great place, it comes with awesome hausmates who are delighted to share their wonderful friends with me. Wow with wow.
So here I am, dare I say finally at home. Asheville really is PERFECT. Like I sat down with a checklist and marked off all of the options that I wanted for a place, all of the experiences that I would want on my arrival and everything is exactly as I desired to manifest. I feel very well loved in all ways and from all angles. I am fully embraced by all aspects of being here. I am happy.
- Current Location:Asheville
- Current Music:Pandora
I've been meaning to write this for days and of course it evolves a little more every day I don't write it. The permaculture course is serving to be as much of a catalyst for internal work as it is an education on the wonderful holistic design discipline. I am encountering new ways of seeing the world and seeing myself and myself in the world. These mode of thinking come from understanding the way natural systems work and seeing how everything works in these ways, like a fractal spiral spinning off into infinity.
The particular fundamental concept that I am now seeing in absolutely everything is the principle of "succession", which basically states that the life of an ecosystem is a dynamic process from disturbance to maturity and back again, all the players perfectly suited for their role at their time and a crucial part of the interwoven dance of life. The thing about succession is that it can be applied to any dynamic system, from a forest to a culture, to the different people we all are at different stages of our lives. It works macro and micro in just about everything.
Just as one plant captures nitrogen for the soil and another helps prevent erosion and another creates shade that allows yet another to grow it appears to me that we all human type creatures have different roles in the evolution of our society and of human history at large. Are roles are essential. Without those first shoots of poison ivy and the humble grasses the mighty oak will never grow.
For a long time I have been obsessed with finding the best thing(s) for me to do in the world to make it a "better" place. Over the course of time my definition of "better" has evolved to be more inclusive and less adversarial and it becomes only more so. Recently, I've felt bad about how sensitive to unhealthy living I've become. I can't hang out in smoky bars, I feel the lack of health in my body when I don't keep to my version of a healthy diet. On another axis I become a crank master deluxe when I am kept from hot showers and a comfortable rest for an extended period of time. Simultaneously I've been very hard on myself for not saving the world yet. The down side of believing very strongly that one person can make a difference rears its ugly head and bites me when I get down on myself for not doing enough.
On our first day in permaculture class we had a misery session discussing the ugly potentials of peak oil and globally tainted food and water supplies. We all got pretty depressed. But there was a breakthrough in the days that followed. A breakthrough that it's all just a succession. Humanity, the art makers and the edge tenders, have swung our pendulum swing back and forth between extremes but it seems ever moving forward to universal human rights that were entirely inconceivable in the ancient world. We can also look at our brief but horribly destructive blip of believing that science and technology are the magic solutions to everything as a pendulum swing, one that is already beginning it's inevitable return to a place where we realize that the real science is in discovering that nature has a thing or two to teach us rather than the other way around. The true science is the appreciation of the universal patterns and making things with them rather than trying to break them. We can't break universal patterns, we will break instead. And that's okay. Each era has its bag full of hubris. And here I am studying the systems of nature and how to act in harmony with them for the greater health of humanity and all of the rest of nature as well. Humans are certainly not a virus on the earth, rather we have a unique manner of comprehending the wondrous mysteries of the world and working with them. Just as we have a power to devastate that out rivals a plague of locusts we have the power to heal with a speed an efficiency given to no other species.
Where this brings me back to myself is my place in it all. Once again yet another group of wonderful people praises my ability to communicate with words to engage, convince and tell stories. With a deeper and more conscious appreciation of all of our unique parts in this cosmic theater I wonder if I shouldn't start spending less of my time learning how to do the physical practical work of this revolution of healing, but should rather work to affect the consciousness in ways that free the resources others will put physically into play. So many people with so much knowledge to build and design so often run into people who don't understand and don't care. Winning the hearts and minds is fundamental work that frees and empowers change. It is work as real and valuable as designing a farm or planting a tree. I never really quite get that rhetoric and storytelling which come easily to me aren't a piece of cake for everyone else, too, but people keep telling me so. And so as I study of the design of natural systems, study of how nature works and how we can dance in harmony as a special part of nature, I consider if my place in that dance. I consider that the role of transformational storyteller and ambassador serves a function just as valuable as those roles which physically act on the world.
The particular fundamental concept that I am now seeing in absolutely everything is the principle of "succession", which basically states that the life of an ecosystem is a dynamic process from disturbance to maturity and back again, all the players perfectly suited for their role at their time and a crucial part of the interwoven dance of life. The thing about succession is that it can be applied to any dynamic system, from a forest to a culture, to the different people we all are at different stages of our lives. It works macro and micro in just about everything.
Just as one plant captures nitrogen for the soil and another helps prevent erosion and another creates shade that allows yet another to grow it appears to me that we all human type creatures have different roles in the evolution of our society and of human history at large. Are roles are essential. Without those first shoots of poison ivy and the humble grasses the mighty oak will never grow.
For a long time I have been obsessed with finding the best thing(s) for me to do in the world to make it a "better" place. Over the course of time my definition of "better" has evolved to be more inclusive and less adversarial and it becomes only more so. Recently, I've felt bad about how sensitive to unhealthy living I've become. I can't hang out in smoky bars, I feel the lack of health in my body when I don't keep to my version of a healthy diet. On another axis I become a crank master deluxe when I am kept from hot showers and a comfortable rest for an extended period of time. Simultaneously I've been very hard on myself for not saving the world yet. The down side of believing very strongly that one person can make a difference rears its ugly head and bites me when I get down on myself for not doing enough.
On our first day in permaculture class we had a misery session discussing the ugly potentials of peak oil and globally tainted food and water supplies. We all got pretty depressed. But there was a breakthrough in the days that followed. A breakthrough that it's all just a succession. Humanity, the art makers and the edge tenders, have swung our pendulum swing back and forth between extremes but it seems ever moving forward to universal human rights that were entirely inconceivable in the ancient world. We can also look at our brief but horribly destructive blip of believing that science and technology are the magic solutions to everything as a pendulum swing, one that is already beginning it's inevitable return to a place where we realize that the real science is in discovering that nature has a thing or two to teach us rather than the other way around. The true science is the appreciation of the universal patterns and making things with them rather than trying to break them. We can't break universal patterns, we will break instead. And that's okay. Each era has its bag full of hubris. And here I am studying the systems of nature and how to act in harmony with them for the greater health of humanity and all of the rest of nature as well. Humans are certainly not a virus on the earth, rather we have a unique manner of comprehending the wondrous mysteries of the world and working with them. Just as we have a power to devastate that out rivals a plague of locusts we have the power to heal with a speed an efficiency given to no other species.
Where this brings me back to myself is my place in it all. Once again yet another group of wonderful people praises my ability to communicate with words to engage, convince and tell stories. With a deeper and more conscious appreciation of all of our unique parts in this cosmic theater I wonder if I shouldn't start spending less of my time learning how to do the physical practical work of this revolution of healing, but should rather work to affect the consciousness in ways that free the resources others will put physically into play. So many people with so much knowledge to build and design so often run into people who don't understand and don't care. Winning the hearts and minds is fundamental work that frees and empowers change. It is work as real and valuable as designing a farm or planting a tree. I never really quite get that rhetoric and storytelling which come easily to me aren't a piece of cake for everyone else, too, but people keep telling me so. And so as I study of the design of natural systems, study of how nature works and how we can dance in harmony as a special part of nature, I consider if my place in that dance. I consider that the role of transformational storyteller and ambassador serves a function just as valuable as those roles which physically act on the world.
- Current Location:Asheville
- Current Music:Pandora
To drive the Corvette is to remember a happier time, when one could delight in the power and elegance of technology without care. Sitting in that gloriously designed cockpit commanding such a magnificent beast of a machine even I forget for a moment the troubles of our age.
Wow. Spending time on Livejournal is infinitely more satisfying than Facebook. Slowing down and reading a few paragraphs of what my friends are thinking rather than just a few words. Replying in slow time. Not having what people are writing be immediately swept away behind what 800 other people are writing. What a lovely Saturday morning.
I can't get the situation out of my head nor can I think completely clearly about it.
I just think about those people in Egypt stuck between a Western supported dictator who is keeping them uneducated and poor and the proponents of Radical Islam. Anyone wanting moderate change is fucked because there's no where to go. And like we are seeing right now, when America which claims to love democracy should be in full support of these people who are being terribly oppressed they aren't because our government is terrified of the boogieman of Radical Islam and thus by supporting dictators who oppress everyone we give that very boogieman life.
If we actually want to get at the roots of terrorism we must walk our talk and support people's rights to self-determination rather than talking a bunch of pretty words and supporting dictators. We really need to support these people. They're being tear gassed and beaten for demonstrating and they've had the whole bloody internet TURNED OFF. Non-violence everyone says. How non-violent would you be is the US government turned off the fucking internet to keep you from political assembly? I hope you'd be there to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights, I would.
I just think about those people in Egypt stuck between a Western supported dictator who is keeping them uneducated and poor and the proponents of Radical Islam. Anyone wanting moderate change is fucked because there's no where to go. And like we are seeing right now, when America which claims to love democracy should be in full support of these people who are being terribly oppressed they aren't because our government is terrified of the boogieman of Radical Islam and thus by supporting dictators who oppress everyone we give that very boogieman life.
If we actually want to get at the roots of terrorism we must walk our talk and support people's rights to self-determination rather than talking a bunch of pretty words and supporting dictators. We really need to support these people. They're being tear gassed and beaten for demonstrating and they've had the whole bloody internet TURNED OFF. Non-violence everyone says. How non-violent would you be is the US government turned off the fucking internet to keep you from political assembly? I hope you'd be there to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights, I would.
There is a point at which giving up is not a defeat but actually letting go.
There are things in this world that can be less than perfect and still good enough.
There are things in this world that can even be less than the best thing available and still be good enough.
There are a thousand ways to everything. The best way is not only not the only good way, but sometimes it's not even truly the best way.
How many imperfect beautiful things have I denied? Have I abandoned?
How late have I stayed up? How many other things have I neglected?
These are lessons I am learning, perhaps things I should already know. Giving up perfectionism is hard, but the Universe is a kind and gentle teacher with me. It wields frustration liberally and almost never causes me even a wee spot of harm. the most mundane things may contain the most profound lessons. What applies to a simple material thing can apply equally to all things in life.
There are things in this world that can be less than perfect and still good enough.
There are things in this world that can even be less than the best thing available and still be good enough.
There are a thousand ways to everything. The best way is not only not the only good way, but sometimes it's not even truly the best way.
How many imperfect beautiful things have I denied? Have I abandoned?
How late have I stayed up? How many other things have I neglected?
These are lessons I am learning, perhaps things I should already know. Giving up perfectionism is hard, but the Universe is a kind and gentle teacher with me. It wields frustration liberally and almost never causes me even a wee spot of harm. the most mundane things may contain the most profound lessons. What applies to a simple material thing can apply equally to all things in life.
It's been a rough few months in New Orleans. It's been a bit of a crazy time since September, hell August and in some ways since March, in general. My Grandmother died. I went to Peru and had an amazing but often trying time then for the Bali rollercoaster of bliss and frustration. About a week after I got back from Bali my Father died. Capra and I started having some serious issues shortly into my travels and held it together long enough to cease being romantic partners two days after we arrived in New Orleans. For me (and for Capra) that changed the whole situation in New Orleans. In the process of all this I've learned just how essential having a well appointed home base is to my happiness, sanity, and productivity. This well appointed home base is something I still barely have. After a few weeks I had what I've learned to be the essentials: a bicycle, a warm private space with a nice bed and a good desk and chair to work at, a decent kitchen, and a consistently warm shower. To be more happy and at ease I also need easy access to organic food, a bit more furniture, and better lighting. To be truly happy and at ease I require all that stuff I've built up over the years that I let go of when I left Alameda. I now have to rebuild all of this but at least I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I'm working through not feeling weak because I need a good den as a base of operations or I'm just a less powerful animal in the world.
And now I consider what to do next. NOLA has been hard. I could decide that it just isn't working for me. The cigarette smoke in bars is driving me nuts. More advanced yoga offerings are rather scarce. Living an ecologically ethical life here is a constant struggle. The thing is what most fundamentally isn't working for me--the state of my home and my lack of ability to get to the resources I need--has nothing to do with being in New Orleans and everything to do with being separated from my things and not having the ability to get decent food without an hour and a half round trip bike ride though sometimes troublesome weather. So though I'm ready in some ways to throw my hands up and just impulsively move to Asheville, I've decided to stay in New Orleans until around September and make up my mind about the future then.
One big thing that I struggled with was if I stay in New Orleans but decide not to go to school here what will I be accomplishing by staying here? What I decided was that I will do something that I can do here as easily as anywhere else--focus on my story writing and storytelling. Find an illustrator and get a book published. Conveniently I actually like summer time in New Orleans and the idea of sitting on my porch writing as I watch the thunder clouds roll in sounds just delightful. I'll be moving Uptown to a neighborhood like the Garden District where there will be more trees and I can go for a walk alone at night and not worry to much that I'm going to get shot. I'll also be much much closer to Whole Foods and while I hate their prices they're currently the only game in town. If I decide to shop at the newly opening NOLA Food Co-op I can take the car I'm presently shopping for. In several months if I still want to leave then I'll go after giving this city more of a fair chance.
I don't know if I'm making the perfect decision but making a decision creates a solid ground I can move from and dispels the miasma of uncertainty that's been plaguing my ability to take decisive action for months. Even if it would be more ideal to just move to Asheville I can't keep floundering in additional research and indecision any longer and I don't think six extra months in NOLA is going to ruin anything for me. Asheville will still be there.
And now I consider what to do next. NOLA has been hard. I could decide that it just isn't working for me. The cigarette smoke in bars is driving me nuts. More advanced yoga offerings are rather scarce. Living an ecologically ethical life here is a constant struggle. The thing is what most fundamentally isn't working for me--the state of my home and my lack of ability to get to the resources I need--has nothing to do with being in New Orleans and everything to do with being separated from my things and not having the ability to get decent food without an hour and a half round trip bike ride though sometimes troublesome weather. So though I'm ready in some ways to throw my hands up and just impulsively move to Asheville, I've decided to stay in New Orleans until around September and make up my mind about the future then.
One big thing that I struggled with was if I stay in New Orleans but decide not to go to school here what will I be accomplishing by staying here? What I decided was that I will do something that I can do here as easily as anywhere else--focus on my story writing and storytelling. Find an illustrator and get a book published. Conveniently I actually like summer time in New Orleans and the idea of sitting on my porch writing as I watch the thunder clouds roll in sounds just delightful. I'll be moving Uptown to a neighborhood like the Garden District where there will be more trees and I can go for a walk alone at night and not worry to much that I'm going to get shot. I'll also be much much closer to Whole Foods and while I hate their prices they're currently the only game in town. If I decide to shop at the newly opening NOLA Food Co-op I can take the car I'm presently shopping for. In several months if I still want to leave then I'll go after giving this city more of a fair chance.
I don't know if I'm making the perfect decision but making a decision creates a solid ground I can move from and dispels the miasma of uncertainty that's been plaguing my ability to take decisive action for months. Even if it would be more ideal to just move to Asheville I can't keep floundering in additional research and indecision any longer and I don't think six extra months in NOLA is going to ruin anything for me. Asheville will still be there.
more rambling thoughts from Florida....
It's funny, just a few days I was telling my friend Jack that I really don't spend a lot of time by myself just thinking about things. And now here I am in the strange sub-urban lands often alone and often very, very thoughtful. The strangeness of everything, the weird modern suburban house I'm living in, the reasonably new and expensive cars I'm riding in, the restaurants I'm eating at, the television and the football games... they are all so unusual to me. The frequent interactions with people I care about who have some very different political beliefs and priorities... It's, well, very thought provoking.
My mother is always asking for details I don't know and often, honestly, don't find important. Though I can get very into the tiny perfectionist places on a visual/physical creative project I am not in my general mode of being a detail person at all. If some detail isn't directly relevant right now I really don't care about it and often don't even have the slightest curiosity. It's a fascinating little bit of self-insight.
I'm thinking about a great many things. The usual things like "what am I doing with my life?" and very momentary things like "what am I going to do with myself alone in this house while I wait for the lunar eclipse?" Writing seems like a good thing to do.
Going to the mall today I think about our society and what so much of it is, about the huge inequalities between the rich and the poor in this world and how almost none of the rich have any particular interest in hurting the poor, they merely want comfort and happiness and seek it in the ways most obviously and pervasively presented to them by their society. Like the way folks whose characters seek organized religion will most likely be Christian in the United States, Muslim in Java, and Hindu in India. All the predominant face of God provided by the cultural surrounds. Sitting at the nice mall restaurant eating salad and pizza and drinking a tasty but god-awfully expensive blood orange mojito, I tell my mother probably for the dozenth time in some conversation that I am a mystic. That I consider myself to have direct experience of the divine. Certainly, as my mother points out, most people do not buy every last piece of the organized religion they believe. Buffet Catholics (Hill!) are a common example of this, practicing and supporting the parts of the religion they like and that make sense to them and ignoring the parts (like birth control and pre-marital sex and believing that everyone else is going to hell) that they don't. Conveniently I don't have to play buffet. I was blessed to grow up without a specific religion and have instead shown up with my own picnic hunted and gathered myself from the forests and fields with a bit of this and a bit of that snatched off of some of those shiny buffet tables.
And my life itself though, it's a selection from the American restaurant. Sure I more and more bypass the buffet and go for some of the special order items from the menu. I've even discovered some of the secret menu items you can only get if you know to ask for them, but I'm still eating here and by choice. I could go back to Peru. I could go back to Bali. I could explore living in Europe, but I've done a lot of traveling and I've learned that I was very lucky to be born here where our fast food is someone else's fine dining. I'm privileged to high heaven and grateful grateful grateful to be so blessed and luckier than a great many Americans as well. Considering my blessings I believe it is my responsibility to make as big a positive impact on the world as I can, that if I were to just kick back, make some money and have a good time I would be shirking my responsibilities as one so gifted and lucky. I expressed this last sentiment to my mother and she replied to this the question of did I think she had shirked her responsibilities thus? No I don't think less of my mother for living the life she lives. And I was forced to realize that I hold myself to a completely different set of standards than I hold other people and I do so to the extent that if I were in fact to hold others to my personal standards it could even be felt as offensive and judgmental. And so, with whatever degree of logical inconsistency I allow other people to have whatever values they do (so long as they do not actively hurt others) but hold a completely different set of expectations for myself. There is certainly more thought to be done on these topics.
Hmmm. I think that's it for the public forum at the moment. I've been writing a lot of private entries lately and I'm going to switch to that format for the rest of what I'm thinking about.
It's funny, just a few days I was telling my friend Jack that I really don't spend a lot of time by myself just thinking about things. And now here I am in the strange sub-urban lands often alone and often very, very thoughtful. The strangeness of everything, the weird modern suburban house I'm living in, the reasonably new and expensive cars I'm riding in, the restaurants I'm eating at, the television and the football games... they are all so unusual to me. The frequent interactions with people I care about who have some very different political beliefs and priorities... It's, well, very thought provoking.
My mother is always asking for details I don't know and often, honestly, don't find important. Though I can get very into the tiny perfectionist places on a visual/physical creative project I am not in my general mode of being a detail person at all. If some detail isn't directly relevant right now I really don't care about it and often don't even have the slightest curiosity. It's a fascinating little bit of self-insight.
I'm thinking about a great many things. The usual things like "what am I doing with my life?" and very momentary things like "what am I going to do with myself alone in this house while I wait for the lunar eclipse?" Writing seems like a good thing to do.
Going to the mall today I think about our society and what so much of it is, about the huge inequalities between the rich and the poor in this world and how almost none of the rich have any particular interest in hurting the poor, they merely want comfort and happiness and seek it in the ways most obviously and pervasively presented to them by their society. Like the way folks whose characters seek organized religion will most likely be Christian in the United States, Muslim in Java, and Hindu in India. All the predominant face of God provided by the cultural surrounds. Sitting at the nice mall restaurant eating salad and pizza and drinking a tasty but god-awfully expensive blood orange mojito, I tell my mother probably for the dozenth time in some conversation that I am a mystic. That I consider myself to have direct experience of the divine. Certainly, as my mother points out, most people do not buy every last piece of the organized religion they believe. Buffet Catholics (Hill!) are a common example of this, practicing and supporting the parts of the religion they like and that make sense to them and ignoring the parts (like birth control and pre-marital sex and believing that everyone else is going to hell) that they don't. Conveniently I don't have to play buffet. I was blessed to grow up without a specific religion and have instead shown up with my own picnic hunted and gathered myself from the forests and fields with a bit of this and a bit of that snatched off of some of those shiny buffet tables.
And my life itself though, it's a selection from the American restaurant. Sure I more and more bypass the buffet and go for some of the special order items from the menu. I've even discovered some of the secret menu items you can only get if you know to ask for them, but I'm still eating here and by choice. I could go back to Peru. I could go back to Bali. I could explore living in Europe, but I've done a lot of traveling and I've learned that I was very lucky to be born here where our fast food is someone else's fine dining. I'm privileged to high heaven and grateful grateful grateful to be so blessed and luckier than a great many Americans as well. Considering my blessings I believe it is my responsibility to make as big a positive impact on the world as I can, that if I were to just kick back, make some money and have a good time I would be shirking my responsibilities as one so gifted and lucky. I expressed this last sentiment to my mother and she replied to this the question of did I think she had shirked her responsibilities thus? No I don't think less of my mother for living the life she lives. And I was forced to realize that I hold myself to a completely different set of standards than I hold other people and I do so to the extent that if I were in fact to hold others to my personal standards it could even be felt as offensive and judgmental. And so, with whatever degree of logical inconsistency I allow other people to have whatever values they do (so long as they do not actively hurt others) but hold a completely different set of expectations for myself. There is certainly more thought to be done on these topics.
Hmmm. I think that's it for the public forum at the moment. I've been writing a lot of private entries lately and I'm going to switch to that format for the rest of what I'm thinking about.
In no particular order:
Recreate the Black Forest Menagerie in New Orleans, perform monthly.
Write down, polish and have illustrated "Magdalena, the Amazing Clockwork Girl"
Create an organization much like San Francisco's "Friends of the Urban Forest" to plant trees in the Bywater.
Take a Permaculture certification course, most likely the one at the Occidental Arts and Ecology Center.
Get involved with the New Orleans Food Co-op (nolafoodcoop.org) and volunteer for Holygrove Farms.
Explore and learn various primitive skills.
Establish green investments.
Explore and decide on Historic Preservation programs for 2012, almost certainly the program at Tulane.
Get the tattoo on my right arm I've been thinking about for the last ? years.
Buy a great high gas mileage high cargo volume used car.
Reclaim my yoga practice.
Find a nice yoga teaching job 2 classes a week.
Get back to aerial silks practice at the level my shoulders can handle.
Bring my handstands to a consistent 10 second hold.
Get back to being able to back bend so both feet touch my head at once.
Build an awesome locking steel bike trunk.
Breath fire more often.
Go to Burning Man.
Get my stuff from Alameda, visit LA.
Grow my own vegetables.
Okay, that's enough for now. Good brainstorming and focusing.
Recreate the Black Forest Menagerie in New Orleans, perform monthly.
Write down, polish and have illustrated "Magdalena, the Amazing Clockwork Girl"
Create an organization much like San Francisco's "Friends of the Urban Forest" to plant trees in the Bywater.
Take a Permaculture certification course, most likely the one at the Occidental Arts and Ecology Center.
Get involved with the New Orleans Food Co-op (nolafoodcoop.org) and volunteer for Holygrove Farms.
Explore and learn various primitive skills.
Establish green investments.
Explore and decide on Historic Preservation programs for 2012, almost certainly the program at Tulane.
Get the tattoo on my right arm I've been thinking about for the last ? years.
Buy a great high gas mileage high cargo volume used car.
Reclaim my yoga practice.
Find a nice yoga teaching job 2 classes a week.
Get back to aerial silks practice at the level my shoulders can handle.
Bring my handstands to a consistent 10 second hold.
Get back to being able to back bend so both feet touch my head at once.
Build an awesome locking steel bike trunk.
Breath fire more often.
Go to Burning Man.
Get my stuff from Alameda, visit LA.
Grow my own vegetables.
Okay, that's enough for now. Good brainstorming and focusing.
I wonder what it is like to be happy and satisfied with the world? I wonder what it is like to gaze at your readily available choices and be happy with them.
I think it is not so much a matter of unselfish virtue that I am driven to change the world, but rather an uncommon sensitivity. It is a personally felt pain that makes me wince at low gas mileage cars, machine made particle board furniture, and chemical and drug filled processed "food". I care because I cannot ignore these things. I care because I feel the absence of trees in the city and the absence of love in design.
I have no choice but to try to change the world because I am terribly bad at ignoring things that upset me.
I think it is not so much a matter of unselfish virtue that I am driven to change the world, but rather an uncommon sensitivity. It is a personally felt pain that makes me wince at low gas mileage cars, machine made particle board furniture, and chemical and drug filled processed "food". I care because I cannot ignore these things. I care because I feel the absence of trees in the city and the absence of love in design.
I have no choice but to try to change the world because I am terribly bad at ignoring things that upset me.
How many perfect days have I had? How wonderful is my life? Certainly I am not happy all of the time. I am at times sad, at times confused or frustrated. But really my life is quite extraordinarily blessed.
I am sitting at my gorgeous roll-top desk found on Craigslist and transported across Lake Pontchartrain with the help of an awesome new friend. As it happens the desk has some issues, but they make no difference at the moment and I can most likely fix them later. I'm listening to Beirut piped through my ipod (who's controls are broken so it only works when hooked up to a computer). My room has a bed and a desk and a chair and a Balinese angel hanging from the ceiling fan. It has an altar cloth from the Shipibo people of the Peruvian Amazon and a suitcase purchased in a shop in Pulcalpa. My venerable yoga mat and rug sit comfortably in front of the altar with plenty of room to practice. 3 of my four 9 foot tall windows have old style new Orleans shutters and the fourth has bamboo blinds which cover the top 7 feet of that window when they are down. I have them up though so I can look from my desk to see the rooftops and the trees swaying the in the chilly wind and rain. Inside I have the central heat set to kick on at 62 degrees and my wool socks and Yoga Tree hoodie keep me warm. My giant room, my giant apartment are empty awaiting objects and experiences. The current world is warm and has everything I need as well as space awaiting infinite potential.
What keeps me even warmer than this lovely building and its warm breath fed on electricity and solid walls built around 100 years ago are my friends and family. As I roam and as I stay I am ever surrounded close and at distance. I share love and community with people here in New Orleans, and in the Bay Area, in New York, in Boston, and scattered places elsewhere. I am blessed beyond blessed and grateful.
I am sitting at my gorgeous roll-top desk found on Craigslist and transported across Lake Pontchartrain with the help of an awesome new friend. As it happens the desk has some issues, but they make no difference at the moment and I can most likely fix them later. I'm listening to Beirut piped through my ipod (who's controls are broken so it only works when hooked up to a computer). My room has a bed and a desk and a chair and a Balinese angel hanging from the ceiling fan. It has an altar cloth from the Shipibo people of the Peruvian Amazon and a suitcase purchased in a shop in Pulcalpa. My venerable yoga mat and rug sit comfortably in front of the altar with plenty of room to practice. 3 of my four 9 foot tall windows have old style new Orleans shutters and the fourth has bamboo blinds which cover the top 7 feet of that window when they are down. I have them up though so I can look from my desk to see the rooftops and the trees swaying the in the chilly wind and rain. Inside I have the central heat set to kick on at 62 degrees and my wool socks and Yoga Tree hoodie keep me warm. My giant room, my giant apartment are empty awaiting objects and experiences. The current world is warm and has everything I need as well as space awaiting infinite potential.
What keeps me even warmer than this lovely building and its warm breath fed on electricity and solid walls built around 100 years ago are my friends and family. As I roam and as I stay I am ever surrounded close and at distance. I share love and community with people here in New Orleans, and in the Bay Area, in New York, in Boston, and scattered places elsewhere. I am blessed beyond blessed and grateful.
I've been going a little crazy with the way things have been going in my life lately and with no solid ground beneath me for many months it's been hard to have the stability to get a hold of myself. I am really really really looking forward to having a home again. I never realized quite how important that was to me until now. I cannot stress how different it is for me to encounter the same situations after a few days of travel or a few weeks of travel or a few months of travel. And traveling with no home anywhere is so very different than traveling when I know I have a place to come home to. Even my rather comfortable and well connected form of homelessness has been profoundly destabilizing.
I left a home on May 1st. I have one again on November 17th. Five and a half months with no home base is finally over.
I left a home on May 1st. I have one again on November 17th. Five and a half months with no home base is finally over.
Profile
vicissitude- dragonbutterfly
- vicissitude.org
Syndicate
Comments